Critical Mick

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Reviews by the Clown that All Other Critics Want to Strangle with a Black Turtleneck

Melinda and the Wild West
Linda Weaver Clarke
Bedside Books (an imprint of American Book Publishing Group), 2006

Back in them Olden Days

An Unruly Review of Linda Weaver Clarke's Melinda and the Wild West

Webmaster Note: In the spirit of presenting information, analysis and opinion through means as innovative and entertaining as the books themselves, criticalmick.com invites you to imagine the following review as the pilot for a new Western television series....

(The scene: up west where the land stretches away mountainous and beautiful. The sky stretches so wide with a shade of blue so clean, it can only be back in 1896. Camera shot pans the landscape, past smiling, waving neighbors in Western wear last pulled from Wardrobe for Little House on the Prairie. As opening credits roll, the shot sweeps in to the porch of a one-room schoolhouse where an eight-year old girl with long blonde braids is just finishing her spirited ringing of the school bell that calls her classmates rushing in to lessons.)

(Cut to: Schoolhouse Interior. Orderly rows of authentic farmboys and apple-cheeked young ladies. At the front of the room, sweating heavily and tapping a yardstick against the desk for attention, stands a pocketwatch-wearing man who hopefully won't look too fat in a waistcoat. Nervously he twists handlebar moustaches.)

Schoolteacher:

Good morning class, I'm Mr. McCritical. Seeing as your usual teacher is on her honeymoon, the local Paris, Idaho school superintendent has asked me to fill in as a substitute. Now! I hope you have all done your dadblammed homework! I see from the papers left behind that you were assigned some reading. Who wants to tell me what that was?

(hands shoot up)

Schoolteacher:

You there!

Peggy:

I'm Peggy, sir! We've just finished reading Melinda and the Wild West, a novel by Linda Weaver Clarke! Our usual teacher asked us to think 'bout the book and be prepared to answer questions.

Schoolteacher:

Ah ha! Melinda and the Wild West, eh? (mutters) Hm, doesn't sound like the dime novel detective stories I usually read. I'd better not let on that I'm not familiar with it, though. Schoolkids eat weak substitute teachers alive. (to class) So! Melinda and the Wild West! Who can tell me what the book was about?

(hands shoot up. Schoolteacher picks one of the kids who looks dim)

Schoolteacher:

You! What's your name, son?

Obediah:

Obediah!

Schoolteacher:

Yes, Obediah, go on.

Obediah:

Melinda and the Wild West! is the tale of a fancy, college-educated lady from Boston who travels out to the frontier in Idaho. Out here livin' with her Aunt Martha and Uncle William, she starts teaching school right around these parts- Bear Lake Valley! A city girl like that gets in all manner of exciting adventures… stuck up in a bank robbery, cornered by a grizzly, caught out in a blizzard. It's a mighty full year for Miss Melinda Gamble.

Schoolteacher:

Ah ha! Not bad, but who can tell us what Obediah left out?

(blank looks)

Schoolteacher:

Come on! Obediah raised some key points of the plot, but there's more to the story than that. Now! You!

Billy:

Me?

Schoolteacher:

Yes, you! Let's hear some proof you read Melinda and the Wild West!. What else happened?

Billy:

Aw, shucks….

(classroom fills with nervous twittering)

Billy:

Well, she goes back East a few times. That's what you mean, Mr. McCritical? Her conflictin' emotions of whether or not she'll ever be at home in this here brand new State of Idaho?

Schoolteacher:

That's a part of the book, I am sure. But I'm thinking of a major emotional focus you left out.

Billy:

Well…… there's this rancher who likes her.

Whole Class:

Whoooooo!

Act Two

Schoolteacher:

Class, quit that racket! Billy, stop blushing!

Billy:

And she takes a shine to him right back too. There's lots of that ro-mance, and love.

Whole Class:

Billy loves ro-mance! Billy loves ro-mance!

Billy:

(Defnsively, to his classmates) Tarnation! I wanted to say the part about Butch Cassidy but Obediah beat me to it! I only brought up that stuff about kissin' because this new schoolteacher made me!

Whole Class:

Billy loves kiss-ing! Billy loves kiss-ing!

Billy:

Shucks! (buries his head in his arms)

Schoolteacher:

(to himself) Whew! Any teasing that's going on is not directed at me! My wicked plan worked! (Out loud) Class! That's enough! No more mention about who Billy wants to be kissing or it'll be mathematics for the rest of the day!

(giggles descend into quiet)

Schoolteacher:

So! Melinda and the Wild West! is a romantic western. One of the girls, tell me a bit about this romance. Um, you! The fat child in back.

Fat Girl:

Melinda is wading in the creek near her Auntie's place one day, all her skirts all a bunched up like. Tra la la la la! Then she looks up from her frisky playin' and sees this big strong man who can't take his eyes off her, just standin' there.

(all the girls: sigh!!!)

Fat Girl:

It's Melinda's neighbor, Gilbert Roberts. He's a widower and mighty handsome and fine. With her auburn hair and purty dresses, Melinda has caught the eye of another man in town, too, and there's a gentleman back in Boston who wants to marry her. But I could tell, right from that first scene, that our lucky, strong-willed Melinda was going to a'wind up in Gilbert's muscular arms.

(all the girls: sigh!!!)

Schoolteacher:

Very good, very good. Now stop making eyes at Billy and sit on down.

Whole Class:

Bertha loves Bil-ly! Bil-ly loves Bertha!

Billy:

Shoot! I do not love Bertha!

Schoolteacher:

Very well, Billy- rather than telling us which girl you do love-

(Bertha, the fat girl, blushes coyly. Rest of class: whoooooo!)

Schoolteacher:

-come up to the front of the room and read for us that scene where Melinda first meets Gilbert. If you have any trouble with big words, my teaching assistant, Mr. Bullimore, is right here to help you out.

Mr. Bullimore
(bearing an uncanny resemblance to noted South Dublin literary authority H.H. Bullimore, except that he looks distinctly peeved for having his likeness used without prior consent):

Indeed! Quite so, young William, quite so.

Billy
(trudges reluctantly through the whispers and giggles to the front of the room, fidgets, then finally begins to mumble):

Billy:

Now, there! What did you think?

Mr. Bullimore:
(flips through the book he had been reading along in)

(Sounding as peeved as he looks) Exclamations! Six repetitions on the descriptor "rugged" between pages 25 and 28!

Billy:

No, sir – I meant, what'd you think of my readin'? I used to have mighty trouble with the letters and such, but our usual teacher with her patience and determination done taught me.

Schoolteacher:
(hides Melinda and the Wild West he has been quickly skimming so that he can look like a know-it-all)

Don't you be contradicting Mr. Bullimore, Billy. Go sit down now like a good lad. Mr. Bullimore! You were saying?

Mr. Bullimore:

Stylistically, Melinda and the Wild West pales before examples of historical fiction like A Star Called Henry or the Booker Prize winning True History of the Kelly Gang. In phrase and theme, Linda Weaver Clarke's first novel displays repetitions. Further, I must confer with young Bertha- Melinda's choice of suitor is apparent throughout. And when there is no question as to outcome, tension becomes hard to maintain. I, for one, am surprised that the publisher did not perform a further edit to correct these matters. Though charming, Melinda and the Wild West's published text bears flaws.

Whole Class:

(uneasy shuffling)

Girl with Bonnet:

Scuse me, Mr. Schoolteacher. Those things might be chaffing you Eastern folk, but out here I s'pose we're used to the rough life. It gets 20 below out here in Idaho at night, you know. We all gathered 'round the hearth in our log cabin, reading Melinda and the Wild West away the long dark evenings. Those things you're mentioning didn't trouble my kin not one bit.

(several students: Yes sir, that's just about right)

Obediah:

We don't care none for them Eastern literary conventions about points of view. We just likes us to hear a good ol' story. If that means jumping from perspective to perspective in one chapter, that's fine with us.

(several students: That's right, sure as shootin.)

Schoolteacher:

Class! Class! This is getting rather unruly! Settle down! (shakes yardstick, glares malevolently until students obediently sit) Now! You! Obediah! Go to the board and write five facts about Melinda and the Wild West! You! Bertha! Your write five more on the board over there!

(The two mosey up to the chalkboard, then write:)

Billy:

Shoot! This just ain't funny no more, Bertha!

Schoolteacher:

Silence, Billy! Me thinks thou prospects too much.

Billy:

Prospects? Huh-? Look, leave my minin' career out of this! Can't you find some fault with what the likes a' Obediah's done, for a change?

Schoolteacher:
(Scans chalkboard swiftly)

Oh, Obediah! No, no, no! What were you thinking? They didn't worry about self-esteem back then! That's a modern concept!

Obediah:

What, low self-esteem warn't a part of nobody's soul back in them olden days?

Schoolteacher:

Erm… well- stop talking back! Go sit down! (class: uneasy rustling. Scholteacher gets harsher.) And Bertha- dagnabbit, people didn't use to talk about fear of commitment!

Bertha:
(making eyes across the room at Billy)

What, before now no one has ever felt any spot of trouble over dedicating their whole life to a relationship?

Schoolteacher:

Erm… That does it, class! I warned you! We're doing The Corrections for the rest of the day! Open your notebooks and complete these 25 questions. Now: to begin- "1. Consider the atmosphere of suburban St. Jude (named for the patron saint of hopeless causes) in comparison to the more sophisticated surroundings of Philadelphia and New York. Why has the Lamberts' neighborhood evolved into a gerontocratic refuge?"

Whole Class:

(protest!)

Schoolteacher:

(roars) Silence!

Act Three

Boy in Homespun:

Our usual teacher doesn't make us do Corrections. She takes us on field trips to local landmarks of geologic interest.

Girl in Gingham:

And on the board, the very first day of school, she wrote a inspirin' message of love-!

Scholteacher
(hefts a yardstick):

Hey! This is the old west, remember? Schoolteachers have the authority to beat students.

Boy Smelling Faintly of Skunk Oil:

Beggin' your pardon, but even though our usual teacher is a wilful woman with one of those Irish tempers, she never threatened us with a switch.

Whole Class:

Yeah!

Billy:

Shoot! Our usual teacher's a mighty fine lady- she never singled anybody out and made ‘em feel like a fragile trailside posie that has just been trampled down!

Bertha:
(dreamy in love)

Like a fragile trailside posie that has just been trampled down! Ah!

Billy:

Aw, shucks! Now lookie what done happened! (hides his head in his arms)

Schoolteacher:
(smacking yardstick against the desks)

Hey! I'm the big authority figure here! It's my job to be critical!

Peggy:

Our usual teacher is critical. She talks about Black Beauty, and books by Jules Verne. She applauds the love of these stories, not tear them down.

Child with Goitre:

Can you point out any time in Melinda and the Wild West that the teacher in there tries to break a child like a wild colt?

Schoolteacher:

Ha! Those are my eighth-favorite parts of that book!

Obediah:

Wait a minute… Alrighty then, Mr. Schoolteacher. What's your number one favourite part of Melinda and the Wild West?

Schoolteacher:
(raises yardstick)

The part where the obstrepetitious young upstart is whacked by the falling tree! Hush up and do your Corrections!

Billy:
(stands up to injustice)

There weren't no scene like that at all!

Bertha:

My Billy's so brave and strong!

Billy:

Aw, shoot-! Listen to that!

Boy Smelling Faintly of Skunk Oil:

I tell you what, Mr. McCritical. We'll all sit down and do your Corrections with a smile, if you can do just one thing. You just tell us, what is your favourite part at the end of Melinda and the Wild West?

Schoolteacher:
(laughs triumphantly but sweats like the famous mountain spring near Paris, Idaho)

Ha, ha! It was of course the part with… ah… my favourite part from Melinda and the Wild West… Wild West… the... part... with...

Whole Class:

Yes-? Yes-??

Schoolteacher:
(meekly)

...the gunfight?

(whole class: rebellion)

Billy:

There weren't no gunfight in the story at all!

(mad chase around the schoolroom)

(screeching, rodeo, chasing. Banjo music. Improvise mayhem for 38 minutes)

Superintendent:
(enters with a thundering slam of the door)

What it tarnation-?

(A cow lumbers by)

Schoolteacher:

Superintendent! I hereby tender my resignation- effective immediately!

Superintendent:

What in the blue blazes-?

Whole class:

Get rid of this dude! We want someone like Melinda!

Superintendent:

I want Melinda, too.

Schoolteacher:

I want my paycheck-?

(superintendent gives him a kick up the britches instead.)

(schoolteacher and his assistant grab hold of two ugly horses and flee town like no-good scoundrels. The children cheer, wave their copies of Melinda and the Wild West aloft, then burst into song )

(song soars over end credits) Oh my darlin' Oh my darlin' Oh my darlin' Clementine That schoolteacher's gone forever An' that suits us all just fine   (Exterior: Porch of school, children gathered) Bertha: You've a mighty pretty singing voice, Bil-ly! Billy: Tarnation! I'm outta here!

The End Credits Read Critical Mick's interview with Linda Weaver Clarke! Tune in again for the next three instalments of Linda Weaver Clarke's family saga set in Idaho's Bear Lake Valley... coming soon! Yo! This review and all content on the DFA Guide site are copyright 2006 Mick Halpin. All links to other sites and documents are copyright to whatever source wrote something cool enough for Mick to give it a referral. Try to claim them as your own work and bad karma will catch up with you, baby. Believe it. Irate, huh? Managed to piss off another one? Direct your hatemail to mick @ mickhalpin dot com. This Page Was Last Updated On 24 December, 2006. What is Mick up to? | Who Is Mick? | See Why He's a Sap Hire Him! | Or His Various Diatribes | Or Some Things You Should Know About Dublin |

Seceret Bonus Scene for Dudes who have Sat Through the Credits

(Exterior, dramatic breathtaker of a sight along the Oregon Trail)

(Two bedraggled scoundrels pause)

Schoolteacher:

Well, we've been run out of yet another town, Mr. Bullimore.

Mr. Bullimore:

Fie, Mr. McCritical! No day can be deemed a complete loss if a crucial matter has at last been grasped.

Schoolteacher:

Oh-? What have we grasped?

Mr. Bullimore:
(displays the booty, confides)

In all the commotion, I grabbed that classroom's chalk!